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Navel Gazing In Art

As requested by 50% of my audience (1 out of 2 is 50%!) and being (almost) a man of the people (I love mankind…’s the people I can’t stand!) I proudly present a few tips on how to collect and nurture your belly button fluff. You’re welcome.

First off you will need one of these:

Relax ladies, it’s not mine!

Yes, a belly button.

Now to you intelligent, erudite and quite handsome and sexy-looking readers of this blog (I’m such a silver-tongued devil, eh?), to you this would seem obvious. However the number of people I meet in my daily life that have no clue about Belly Button Fluff Collecting (BBFC) seem to think that any old orifice will suffice to collect fluff and are quite proud to to show me the contents like a proud parent shows off their offspring’s primitive cave paintings. Honestly, you’d expect there would be more brains and intelligence working in a Forbes 100 company but maybe all that inbreeding has infected their membranes and probably explains why the market and the economy is in the state it is what with Tarquin in accounts always shoving a finger into his orifices, pulling it out and asking “Is this any good?” I really do despair of that boy…………………….where was I? Oh yes………..STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY BOOZE!

So to recap so far: you will need a belly button, preferably hairy, like in the picture, as the hairy the belly button the more warm and inviting, safe and nurturing it will look for the stray and lonely fluff to gravitate towards. ¬†You’ll also need one of these:

or one of these:

band names and colours optional.

and then just wear them and go about your daily business: chopping down trees, pressing wild flowers, going to the lavatory, skipping and jumping, you know, all those manly pursuits. Anyway after a few days (or hours depending on the heat outside and your propensity to sweat) you should be able to come close to something like this:

note: size and content may vary from town to town, state to state, country to country.

(One question I am asked is why, if I’m wearing mainly black or some other non-blue colour, does my BBF look blue? Well my friends, that is an easy riddle to solve; it is, what the French call, a trick of the light. Either that or we are all part Smurf.)

So to retrieve said fluff from said belly button, you should insert a digit into hole (sounds rude), wiggle it about a bit (ooo-er!) and then pull it out and proudly proclaim in a loud voice “I AM THE GOD OF BELLYBUTTON FLUFF! or whatever you feel comfortable with. (remember these are just guidelines).

As for the storage of your BBFC there are many trains of thought and mainly great philosophers throughout the centuries have discussed and argued about the storage and treatment of BBF. Some, like Schopenhauer and Wittgenstein, argue for storage jars, jam jars or any clear glass receptacle with a screw on lid. Whilst others, like Nietzsche and Jack Charlton prefer a box (shoebox or hatbox) to store their BBFC. As you can see, storage and care of the BBFC is a many varied and complex issue with no real right or wrong way. Perhaps it is said best by the German philosopher Martin Luther Blisset: “Every man must do two things alone; he must do his own believing and his own way of caring for his BBFC” Strong words indeed.

Personally, I like to collect my BBF and place it gently under the bed so I can enable the dust bunnies that live there to build their dwellings and their cities; to raise temples to pray to their dust bunny gods; to build statues to honour and remember their glorious dust bunny heroes of myth and legend and to have something to keep them warm during the long, cold winter months.

I hope this short tutorial has enlightened you, educated you and entertained you (just like a Bruce Willis movie) and you can look forward to many long and happy years collecting and cultivating bellybutton fluff. Goodnight.