Category Archives: Humour

THE EURO 2016 TOURNAMENT OF METAL (DAY ONE)

look at all the pretty colours!

Wellity, wellity, well! Look who’s back! Didja miss me? Waddya mean, “No!”. Well, never I have been so insulted in my life!…………………………Except that one time when I was at the International Insult Tournament in the beautiful village of Twatt, Shetland Islands; where I was called a “dobba”, a “mongoloid shoe-fucker” and a “rectum-faced-bucket-of-sex-sauce”. And that was just in the car park!

Anyhoo, another international sporting tournament is underway and I’m shoe-horning my (lack of) sporting knowledge and metal musical discoveries together for yet another highly unpopular edition of ‘Sporting Tournament of Metal’!  So come one, come all for a tournament where ethnic unpleasantness, religious bigotry, terrorism and all round, outright thuggery and hatred will appear at stadiums all over La Belle France and the cafes and bars of the nearby towns. Oh, and some football may be on offer too.

Euro 2016 explained in one handy David Squires cartoon!

 

GAME 1: FRANCE vs ROMANIA

MOURNING DAWN vs VOID FORGER

With a name like Mourning Dawn, you’d expect the band to play some kind of depressive, doom metal, throw in some black metal riffs and howls and you’d be correct. Hefty riffs and great guitar solos and meaty songs keep the listener enthralled. Add the despairing, howling vocals of Laurent, and Mourning Dawn have the depth and range to become a pretty big thing.

http://www.metal-archives.com/bands/Mourning_Dawn/27495

https://mourningdawn.bandcamp.com/

 

Void Forger are a Romanian trio who play a mixture of crust, sludge and death metal. Murky production values, great riffs and some pretty good songs to boot. A grimy, sludgy way to start the day.

http://www.metal-archives.com/bands/Void_Forger/3540345909

https://voidforger.bandcamp.com/album/ruined-demo

PREDICTION:

Opening game of the tournament and I really can’t see past the French winning this. Expectations will be high and they’ll probably scrape by with a single goal, but it’ll be good enough for all three points and will leave the French favourites to win their group. Second place will be fought out between Romania and Switzerland leaving Albania the wooden spoonists of Group A. (watch as this prediction will blow up in my face!)

Musically, both bands are good however Mourning Dawn tickles my depressive fancy more than Void Forger. Allez Les Bleus!

see more brilliant David Squires cartoons at: http://www.theguardian.com/profile/david-squires

 

Advertisements

THE WORLD CUP OF METAL (CRICKET EDITION) 2015

So I was sitting around on my fat, lardy-arse wondering what to do next for this blog when inspiration struck! Well it’s better than chlamydia striking I suppose. I’ll just re-hash my World Cup of Metal blog posts and do it for the Cricket World Cup instead! That’ll sure be a great success! *whistles nonchalantly*

Below is a quick illustrative guide for those Americans who don’t play/watch/understand/gives two fucks about cricket.

Ah, cricket! Is there a more wonderful sound than that of leather smacking willow? Unless it’s the sound of leather and willow smacking on flesh but what happens in the privacy of a gentleman’s bedroom is between him and his $2,000-a-night dominatrix.

So I’ve missed the first few games or so (15 to be exact!) but as with the Football World Cup blog, I’m more about the music than the sport, man so to disguise my complete lack of in-depth knowledge of the teams, I’ll be mainly focusing on the bands from the respective countries that are playing in Australia and New Zealand, which will also help me spotlight some bands from countries that failed to reach the Football World Cup last year (I’m looking at you, Scotland!) So sit back and enjoy, or endure, as I bowl a few googlies, check out some bouncers and try to bowl a maiden over or two and then get back to the task in hand of writing more mindless pish and mince for the 2015 World Cup of Metal (Cricket Edition).

Game 16 IRELAND vs UNITED ARAB EMIRATES

I don’t know what was more surprising: that the UAE had a cricket team or that they had 23 entries on the metal-archives website, with half of them still listed as active.

So first up is Tartarus, from Dubai playing some pretty standard black metal but it’s played well and nicely produced. They have an EP out called ‘Of Grimness And Atrocity’ and there’s more info available on their Facebook page.

http://www.metal-archives.com/bands/Tartarus/3540384263

 

and from the Emerald Isle come Gaelic Doom Metal (their words) ensemble Mael Mordha who, four albums in, are getting better and better with each release. The majority of their songs deal in ancient, historic Irish battles and their last album ‘Damned When Dead’ was one of my favourite releases from 2013; and any band that get the Welsh town of Abergavenny into a song is damn cool with me!

http://www.metal-archives.com/bands/Mael_M%C3%B3rdha/3256

https://maelmordha.bandcamp.com/

PREDICTION: After a surprising 4 wicket victory over the West Indies, Ireland will be confident of two points of a U.A.E side who lost by 4 wickets to Zimbabwe and musically, Mael Mordha take the win as well.

 

BAGPUSS- Tales from The darkside

#Bagpuss, carissimi Bagpuss, adipem vetus-cat canale furorem. Esto vigilans et respice in hac re me adducere, Surge, illuminare, Jerusalem, aurea, et in luc em. Bagpuss: Audite quod et Hermogenes ego canto.#

These are the words that were spoken or sung by children all over the land in the early seventies, as they sat down to watch the miracles performed by their god in the guise of the most magical, saggy old cloth cat in the whole wide world. Bagpuss, for it is he, is an age old tale of good vs evil; of a reluctant hero and his adversaries; a tale of witchcraft, black magic, evil and broken hearts. Come join me, if you dare, as I expose the truth behind the cat-god.

Bagpuss: before the mayhem begins.

Before the incantation, before those fateful words are spoken, Bagpuss (and the rest of his world) is in a peaceful, sepia-tinged sleep free from the horrors and abominations that he himself has inflicted onto the rest of the land. However it is a totally different landscape once he has been awoken from his slumber. The land and surrounding become a garish colour and Bagpuss himself changes colour before our very eyes.

It’s Alive!!!!!!

And as Bagpuss awakens so do all of his adversaries, acolytes and associates, all wanting a piece of Bagpuss; to use his gifts and powers for their own needs irregardless of the consequences that unleashing his power will happen to the rest of the land.

First to awaken are the mice on the mouse-organ. These simple minions are nothing more than foolish pawns in a dangerous and deadly game that is outside of their understanding. They are Bagpuss’s ‘fixers’. They mend, repair and restore the broken object that is delivered to them by unknown hands and after singing positive, upbeat songs and fixing little bits here and there, these mindless slaves are happy to present the finished article to Bagpuss (who they believe to be their Master) and seek his approval, lest he be angry and reverts back to cat-mode and eats some (if not all) of these happy-go-lucky little fuckers!

After the mice wake up (but before the fixing is done) our next two members of the Inner Circle awaken: Madeline and Gabriel The Toad. Now this is a really sad tale. Madeline was once a woman who searched far and wide for her one true love, her own Prince Charming, a man she could love forever, marry, bear his children and bake him little cupcakes with sprinkles on top. Alas, Madeline was tricked by a unscrupulous Toad-God who, on hearing her lament for a Prince Charming, claimed that he was a frog that had a bewitching curse put on him and could only be freed by the kiss of someone who was pure of heart. Not knowing the difference between a toad and a frog, Madeline threw all caution to the wind and bent down to give the ‘frog’ a kiss, wherein a blinding flash was seen and Madeline felt herself getting smaller and smaller and smaller, and she found her movements were getting less co-ordinated until she realised with horror that she was now the same size as the creature she had just kissed but her soul, her spirit, her life force was trapped inside a rag doll and the ‘frog’ then revealed himself to be none other than Gabriel the Toad King and that she was now his wife. Madeline tried to get away but Gabriel whipped out his banjo (ooo-err missus!) gave it a quick pluck (ooh-ere-NO!) and the helpless woman began to sing and dance to the sounds emanating from the accursed banjo. Gabriel brought her back to Bagpuss’s lair and with the help from the mice stitched her into the wicker chair in which she still resides. Sleep lets her remember her life as a human, but when the incantation is spoken, Madeline awakens and is brought back to her horrific reality as Gabriel the Toad-King’s wife and slave.

All traces of her humanity disappears with each song she sings (photo: smallfilms.co.uk)

But the real power behind Bagpuss, the string puller, the King maker is Professor Yaffle; an adversary carved into the shape of a woodpecker. He controls what goes on in the lair. He himself goads the mice into fixing the broken object by sneering sarcasm and a negative attitude. Prof. Yaffle is the raging Yang to Bagpuss’s sober Yin, he belittles the mice; he dismisses Madeline’s stories as fanciful nonsense and poppycock and he goads Bagpuss into using his powers to help repair the broken object, knowing full well that each time Bagpuss uses his powers it weakens him psychically and allows Prof Yaffle to gain more control over the destiny of the object.

The adversary goads the minions into (unwittingly) doing his bidding!

Bagpuss and the mice fix the object, not out of love but out of resentment, out of pride, out of a desire to put one over on Prof. Yaffle which plays exactly in Prof. Yaffle’s hands and the object becomes infused with hatred and resentment. It is then placed into the shop window and bought by elderly aunts or doting grandmothers and given as gifts to children all over the land. Maybe you were given it as a gift or maybe it was bequeathed to you from the will of a dead elderly relative and you never really looked to closely at it before, just stuck it away on a shelf in a back bedroom or somewhere else where no-one really goes. Once in a while you may notice the tchotchke (a porcelain doll, a small replica of a building, a figurine of a child or a dancer) has moved or changed position and you’ve given it no thought, blaming it on the kids, your spouse, the cat or maybe the wind; or maybe you’ve had the feeling of being watched, of tiny eyes burning deep into the back of your head, being unsettled by something that you can’t quite explain but you dismiss it as childish nonsense or just the after effects of a night out on the tiles, but you would be mistaken my friend, very much mistaken. For even now, at this very moment, Professor Yaffle’s evil creations are gather their energies, the hatred and resentment put into them by Bagpuss and his simpleton mice and they are preparing to attack you and transfer their evil souls into your body, control you and help release the shackles off Professor Yaffle and free him to reclaim the throne as Supreme Ruler of the Universe! Be vigilant, dear reader, be vigilant!

I am always watching you!

 

 

Next Time- The Death of Mummy Woodentop: spontaneous human combustion or was there something more sinister?